The headline of a story in the online edition of the New York Times August 27: “Fox News Journalists Free After Declaring Conversion”. According to the news story the two captive journalists were released after they agreed to record a videotape in which they both declared that they had converted to Islam.
This development gives one pause to think about the possibilities…
The Big, Bad Wolf comes out of hiding long enough to record a videotape for Fox News declaring he has converted to Vegitarianism. The ghost of Harlan Sanders confers a pardon on the wolf (for eating Granny) and he and Little Red Ridinghood make a life together and open a bed and breakfast in the Berkshires, specializing in chicken and waffles for breakfast.
The Wicked Witch of the West and Imelda Marcos jointly renounce their footwear fetishism, give up the ruby slippers and the Manolo’s in a music video set to the musical theme of A Chorus Line from the afterlife, and on air (so to speak) convert to Buddism. They spend the rest of the afterlife as a twosome, cavorting at Sandals Resort in Grand Cayman, where shoes are optional, entertaining the paying guests with their ghostly appartions.
All of the prisoners of the War on Terrorism that are held in Guantanamo are seen in a videotape recorded by the CIA as they are being Baptized by the Reverend Jerry Fallwell on the beach at The Bay of Pigs. The former terrorists declare their allegiance to the General Motors Corporation, get their own MySpace pages, are released from custody on order of President Bush, and are secured positions as engineering interns at the Alaskan oil fields by Vice President Cheney.
In a Hip Hop music video directed by Michael Jackson and broadcast world-wide via satellite by Al Jazeera, Osama Bin Laden turns Bobby Brown in to a sex slave and installs him in a privately held compound, financed by Al-Qaeda charities, in Calcutta, servicing eunuchs. In the course of producing the video, Osama brings in R. Kelly to assist Jackson in writing original songs, and Kelly introduces Jackson to the world of little girls. Jackson immediately founds a girls finishing school on his estate in Bahrain, makes a large donation in surplus tchoctkes to the Baharainian National Museum of Plundered Bangles, and is declared ambassador to UNICEF by the government of Bahrain.
Osama, meanwhile, surfaces in the hills outside of Alpharetta, Georgia, kidnaps Whitney Houston, and installs her as his consort at his estate in the Catskills. After initially resisting his advances, Whitney comes to love and cherish Osama for his witticism and his creative use of his beard and writes a celebrated memoir of the affair. An Islamic court annuls the marriage between Whitney and Bobby, then Osama and Whitney both announce their conversion to Judaism and celebrate joint Bar and Bat Mitzvahs in the grand ballroom at Grossinger’s. Shortly thereafter Osama and Whitney are joined in marriage, in a non-denominational ceremony under the capital dome in Sacramento, California which is officiated by their good friend, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (who had first intoduced Osama to Whitney at the Burning Man festival in Mojave). Osama presents his new bride with the deed to 50,000 hectares of poppy fields in the foothills of Afganistan, and Whitney, in a quiet moment alone with the governor, presents Arnold with a new, very humid recepticle to hold his Monte Cristo.
Osama and Whitney jet off to Paris in the Haliburton corporate aircraft which was secured for their use by the good offices of Jack Abramoff. Osama and Whitney run in to author Dan Brown at the cafe at the Louvre that evening where Osama congratulates Brown for telling the truth about Opus Dei. They have a delightful dinner together, culminated by brandy and cigars, Osama is beaming and has Al-Qaeda Hospitality Services pick up the tab for the food and drinks. Later that evening, in their suite at the Crillon in Paris, Osama happens upon a Monte Cristo cigar band inside Whitney’s pantyhose on the dressing table, while Whitney is in the shower, singing the soundtrack to “The Preacher’s Wife”. When she emerges from the shower, Whitney is confronted by Osama and asked,
“Where did this cigar band come from, it certainly was not from one of my cigars, because I only smoke Cohibas.”
Briefly flustered (visions of Kevin Costner had been going through her head, as she had not had any “dip” for quite some time), and not knowing where Osama found the cigar band, but realizing that Monte Cristo is Arnold’s brand of stogie, Whitney blurts out,
“Oh, it must be from Dan Brown’s (cigar) tube.”
Osama becomes livid, and he pimp slaps Whitney and has his bodyguards throw her on a plane which whisks her off to an Al-Qaeda training camp in a warehouse outside of Flint, Michigan, where she is kept under surveilance by members of the Teamsters Union on the payroll of Al-Qaeda Transportation Services. Osama, meanwhile, tracks down Dan Brown as he returns to his hotel after an evening of wild partying at the Folies Bergere in the company of operatives of the Mossad (the Mossad actually having been the funnel for the advance that Brown received for “The Da Vinci Code”). Brown and the Mossad agents continued partying in his hotel suite until dawn, smoking cigars and drinking peppermint schnapps. Unbeknownst to Osama, the Mossad agents had presented Brown with a gift of a humidor of Monte Cristos in celebration of the DVD release of “The Da Vinci Code” (Brown’s usual brand of cigar was Cohiba).
Later, with the Mossad agents passed out in the parlor, and while Brown slept in a drunken stupor in the replica Cardinal Richleau bed (the original bed having been plundered many years before by William Randolph Hearst for furnishing his castle in California), Osama emerged from underneath the bed, where he had been hiding and perused the scene. Taking in the evidence in front of him, it all became clear to Osama, or so he thought. In his rage over what he thought was the defilement of his bride by Brown, Osama pulled the dagger that he always carried strapped to his left femur, and slit Brown’s throat from ear to ear. Osama then wiped his prints from the dagger and placed it in the hand of one of the unconcious Mossad agents, then slipped of of the hotel suite, but not before phoning in an annonymous tip to the Surete.
CNN picks up the story of the investigation and by that evening in Sacramento the news has broken that the Mossad agents had been caught red-handed by the French authorities, and it seemed the Israeli government had been behind “The Da Vinci Code” and that everything in the book had been fabricated by their mouth-piece, Dan Brown as a propaganda campaign against the Catholic church, and that Brown and the Israelis had a falling out about the planned cartoon character rights, and Brown had been killed over the dispute. This caused sales of the book to revive, and the publisher announced the printing and sale of another 200 million copies in sixteen languages (bought mostly by poor Catholic parishioners in the third world). DVD sales became so staggering that there was a shortage, and Netflix announced it was suspending shipment of “The Da Vinci Code” to its subscriber base because all copies of the DVD were being hijacked from the U.S. mail.
Osama traveled to a Bin Laden family estate in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan and eventually reconciled with Whitney, especially after she began taking care of his Cohibas. Whitney was subsequently hired to sing the theme song for the “The Da Vinci Code Rangers” cartoon show that was syndicated by Viacom, and Osama picked up quite a few bucks doing voices for the cartoon series (he played two main characters and with Angela Cartwright shared duties voicing many bit parts, in the cartoon series that went on to win three Emmys and had a 12 year run of original episodes). It turned out that Osama, in his early years, had received private tutoring from the late Mel Blanc, and not only was Osama a master of a thousand disguises, he was a master of a thousand voices, including the ability to mimic Donald Rumsfeld in a Yiddish dialect scolding J. Edgar Hoover, in drag.
Osama and Whitney were able to eventually retire to their vineyard in the Napa Valley and lived on residuals and royalties in grand style. Years later Osama and Whitney visited their dear friends Arnold and Maria, who had taken up residence at San Simeon in their retirement years. Sitting around the outdoor Greek pool over Compari and sodas one evening Osama related to Arnold and Maria how fortunate he had been to have had that first introduction to Whitney back when Arnold had hooked them up at the Burning Man festival, all those many years prior, and how well he had done financially when he and Whitney teamed up on the cartoon series after that bit of nasty business in Paris. (Osama and Arnold had developed a very close bond, and had made a killing together cornering the market on recycled fry oil as an alternative fuel, having exclusive contracts with the McDonald’s corporation, Krispy Kreme, and Frito-Lay, all of which paid the “Osahnold” corporation to remove their used cooking oil, which they then reprocessed and sold as automotive fuel, since Al-Qaeda had previously destroyed the oil supply in the Middle East.) The evening ended well, as Osama and Maria shared grilled Kraft American Cheese food sandwiches in the refrectory, where they exchanged tips on using anorexic techniques to brainwash infidel prisoners. Arnold escorted Whitney to the Richeleau guest house, where Whitney presented Arnold with a humidor of Cohibas, and Arnold presented Whitney with his Monte Cristo.
The Opus Dei agents hiding under the original Richeau bed, got everything on video tape, just as brother agents in Paris had got everything in the Parisian hotel room on video tape, all those many years ago, as it seemed Brown had been set up by the Catholic church to write “The Da Vinci Code” in the first place, as a joint venture with the church, and those advance monies funneled through the Mossad agents actually were from the treasury in Vatican City. It was all conceived as a brilliant marketing plan by the Pope, the whole magilla about the book and whether it was pure fiction or based upon fact, all of the buzz that was generated by the book and the movie, and later the cartoon series, the merchandising tie-ins, the product placement, the ring tones from the movie sound track and the cartoon series, the theme parks. All of it was controlled by the Catholic church, all the rights were owned and controlled by the church, once they had got Dan Brown and the Mossad agents out of the way.
The church continued to fill its coffers, the College of Cardinals continued to live as they had become accustomed, Arnold and Maria were guaranteed eventual side by side crypts in St. Peter’s Basilica, Osama lived to a ripe old age, spreading seed and bottling sacramental wine in Napa, and Whitney founded the Our Lady Of The Poppys religious order and together with generous donations from her friends built and became the Mother Superior of the Monte Cristo Convent & Home To Aged Eunuchs in Calcutta, foreever to be known as the saintly Mother Whitney.
All of it, everything that transpired was preserved on audio and video recordings and deposited under seal for 100 years in the Richard M. Nixon wing of the United States National Archives, main storage vault, in a salt mine, under Vatican City.